I recently overheard a conversation between two people with whom I was catching up after last seeing them at my wedding in May.

One asked the other, “How is your son Kade [who’s college-aged] doing?” The mom said something along the lines of, “He’s good. He’s enjoying summer break and looking for a job.” Kade wants to make money but has trouble with social anxiety when meeting people for the first time, so needs extra encouragement to visit businesses to ask for an application. The conversation turned to teens and young adults not always leaving the house in favor of TV or video games. 

The first friend initially seemed to commiserate, adding that her son is “just an indoor person. ” Then she added, “But your kid has MUCH more of an excuse. I mean… he can’t be around other people, ha ha ha!!”

I silently seethed. This is not the first time I’ve heard a similar comment. 

Years ago, a coworker remarked loudly at a team-building event in front of other colleagues that she just couldn’t imagine a teammate’s daughter, then seven years old, “being comfortable around other children.” She also added, “Ha ha ha!”, an exclamation I feel is intended to soften the blow of the preceding comment.

Kade, as a child, attended school with other kids and engaged with the staff. He also deejayed dances all through high school, regularly attends concerts and other events, and was present atmy wedding surrounded by 100 friends and family a few monthsago. He absolutely can be around other people.

If I’d thought of it in the moment, I might have responded to the remark with “Wait, Kade has been around you and talked to you many times… are you telling me you’re not a person?” I might have leaned in closer, dropped my voice, and asked, “Are you an alien?”

This type of generalization about someone who has a disability is known as ableism. 

The Slippery Slope of Ableism

Ableism goes beyond offhand remarks and stereotypes and is the dangerous beginning to a slippery slope of attitudes around what individuals are and are not capable of, which can greatly impact the individual’s sense of self and esteem, belonging, and potentially access to needed services due to misunderstanding. 

It’s a perception that individuals are, well, not. It also leans into the medical model of disability, which views conditions like autism as a deficiency rather than diversity. 

When people make casual comments such as “Kade can’t be around others,” they reduce kids and adults like him to a stereotype, which can impact their sense of purpose, value, and belonging. It has the potential to create a sense of being othered rather than seen. 

The Medical Model of Disability

This mode of thinking frames disability as a problem to be solved. It says:

• The person is broken

• The disability is a deficit

• The solution is to fix the person so they can become more like a “normal” person

The medical model of disability is problematic because it understates individual variance and capabilities. Under this model, Kade’s struggles in the world (such as being hesitant to leave the house in order to land a job) are framed as a problem with him. 

The Social Model of Disability

Let’s instead consider the social model of disability, a much more flexible worldview embraced by individuals and organizations worldwide. 

This model serves as a useful counterpoint to the medical model of disability. It frames the issue as being more with how society is set up. For example, if a wheelchair user cannot access a building, it’s not their body that’s the issue—it’s the stairs without an accompanying ramp.  

In Kade’s case, his struggles with social interactions aren’t the result of him being inherently incapable of them (he’s empathetic, funny, sarcastic, and bright) but have more to do with society’s expectations of young adults as being naturally outgoing and not needing a warm introduction to new people, including prospective bosses. 

Why It’s a Problem

Ableism flattens people’s personalities into prepackaged stereotypes. It lowers expectations, diminishes achievements, and creates “us” versus “them”. 

By contrast, the social model reminds us that rather than asking, “What’s wrong with Kade? Why can’t he just be normal?” We should ask, “What barriers are there that we can remove or adjust to help him be successful?”

A Call to Action

The next time you catch yourself making an ableist comment or assumption, ask yourself the following:

Am I focused on what this person cannot do to the exclusion of noticing what they can?

Have I identified any external barriers that can be addressed to improve this person’s experience?

Would I want to have my identity reduced to a single challenge I face?

Disability is common. And it doesn’t mean “less than”; it means “different”. Being inclusive of the human experience requires us to shift the way we talk and think away from seeing those individuals as separate from us and toward recognizing we’re all full, capable human beings.